a corner for us

friends

i have this weird definition of what a friend is. at least i feel like ive adapted to calling it weird.

i probably give the word more meaning than others so maybe in some ways my definition is better.

my friendliness labels go:

  1. stranger
  2. acquaintance
  3. friendly
  4. friend

stranger is pretty self explanatory.

acquaintance probably comes in two flavours. whether i recognise you or i dont. no hate just i dont remember people sometimes.

friendly probably includes most of what people call friends. when you’re on good terms. when you have lunch together or go out. when youre part of the same group.

i only recently realised how much people pleasing i do. i first called it and noticed it as extroverted behaviour that contrasted with my more introverted core. i have a whole theory and stuff around introvert extrovert. you can have outward behaviour different to your battery if that makes sense. so while i’m super friendly and outgoing in a lot of situations. i recharge by being alone or i can get burnt out even if im not showing it.

then i considered it masking. i mean an autistic person shouldnt be this outgoing. i’m meant to be quieter or obnoxiously loud. i’m meant to struggle to read the room or be really good at my script. im meant to practice what to say or struggle to answer basic questions. idk. but i went from thinking it was just an extroverted personality to it being masking. especially since i could behave quieter in other social situations with people i’m closer to.

and then i thought it could be alters. though that felt harder to justify. it was really just so confusing though how i could be all childlike and dependant one moment and the. switch to work mode or social mode if certain people said hello or interacted. and not in a good way. it felt disgusting at times. i hated how i switch. i can recall having those feelings for a long time because i used to do it all the time between school and life at home with my parents. and it felt so wrong when i would switch from being with friends to how i behave at home.

but ive recently considered it could be people pleasing. as part of bpd. the way i become so energetic and talkative. even if i’m exhausted or in pain. i pretend like everything is fine. i have pleasant conversations. i control what thoughts i share. my brain is always wanting to reveal or comment something that would be me but very different from the norm. and ive had to start consciously saying no. or not yet. or the opportunity has passed. i hate that too. that thats a thing in consciously aware of now. more than before. that ive been able to taste a little of what its like to be able to talk about my passions and interests and stuff. things that arent mainstream. yet have to constantly hide it. and part of that. now. is a fear of rejection. honestly not that anyone would say something or anything like that. but maybe some discomfort. some distance would appear. i know i surround myself with people who wouldnt mind or care. but i feel like i’m filled with so much disgusting stuff. idk. i’m rambling. i’ll probably do a post on all the horrible fictional stuff i enjoy reading or fantasising about (dont worry. usually i want to be the victim).

um where were we… so yeh. friendlies are what people call friends but what i call people i am friendly with in a friend kind of way but whom i havent or cant open up to. talking about special interests or being a furry or into kink or the weird and confusing things ive learnt about trans people and the experience in general. yeh thats not a friend. thats just being friendly. those people are friendlys.

then there are friends. ive been trying for the past few years to figure this bit out. i feel like i crush on people too easily. or that i have so few active or in person friends that something in me just craves the connection. which then can become so intense that it feels like what i imagine a crush to be. i know now its probably some kind of bpd trait but idk. maybe i have a low bar xd. maybe i have just gained the ability to appreciate people no matter how small the unique and or good points are. that everyone has a story. and that story is unique. interesting. in its own way. that ive lived a privileged protected life and have all these mental conditions that a taste of normal whether good bad ugly is novel to me. or something.

well anyway thats why i have no friends. also i hate inserting myself into groups. like i know people wont mind but if i’m not being dragged into the group i feel like an outsider and just drift away.

can i make friends? idk. thats the hope this year. but. i feel unhopeful. when im alone. and like a different person with others. a fake. an imposter.

at least i’ll always have shima and shin. i hope.