its been a while
today i had some thoughts i wanted to write down.
i was reflecting on us. myself as a system. right now there are 3 broadly distinct identities that have slowly solidified more over the past 2ish years at uni.
right now feels like one of those clarity moments when everything that was in flux starts to stabilise and i can actually try to model it. or even see it so clearly it feels like its been that way all along and i finally have an answer.
in high school i described it through the lens of depression and how my identity would split based on how i felt. sometimes i was bubbly and idealisitic. while other times i couldnt get out of bed or see the point to things.
now please meet my 3 (main) identites xd
first is X. shes the main character and what most people now. shes usually a bubbly, charismatic, intelligent girl who has big ideas, big dreams, big values and is very curious.
then theres… me? shii. well thats what we’ve settled on calling me for now. really it felt for a while like i was just the down phase of the others but now it feels like im a more distinct person.
then theres L who is a young childlike persona. they are playful, and often very toddler or pre teen. we think she is growing up, maybe even catching up on experiences and development we never had.
the thought today was about some qualities that stand out and set us apart. the first was sexuality, the next neurodivergence or specifically the conditions that are most prominent, and finally is when and where we front.
X as i said is the main character. they also can be described as our mask, but we might discover later that thats actually like their twin or something. looks very similar but still not the same xd. X is aromantic. but they like people who are nice. get crushes. or maybe theyre squishes? or floofs? anyway. they find themselves usually with one or more real people they particularly like to hang out with. they’re also autistic. i mean we all are. but they really let that shine the best out of all of us. sometimes it can even seem like they dont have adhd since theyre on top of it all and maybe its just their eccentric nature that makes then so clumsy and forgetful. we know its not and her executive dysfuntion is REAL. but oh well.
L is like I said very childlike if not literally a child. unlike actual children though there is a fully(ish) formed brain behind all the non verbal sounds and childlike gestures and playfullness. so its not completely unbearable if you need to leave them alone or get them to understand whats happening. they are asexual. but thats kinda expected no? they exhibit adhd the most. and autism in that childish obsession with certain actions. things. so on. they have the childish energy and imagination which can be fun and refreshing. but it also embarrasses X a lot so it doesn’t happen in the wild. if you get to witness L. be grateful. it is a rare thing and means you are someone not only trusted and liked. but also that we are comfortable enough to be so vulnerable to. we wont take any bs from anyone judging them. we might be undiagnosed but that shouldnt invalidate the innocence and authenticity of L’s existence. they are romantic but in the cuddly nuzzle nuzzle way. they recently started developing a side alter called R that takes on the form of a pokemon xd. its very cute if not a little annoying and very much has developed on from the cat/dog rp they like doing a lot. we are monitoring if this becomes a new permanent identity or just a thing L does.
I… personify BPD. along with the more intense side of our depression. I get lonely. desperate. horny. escaping away into fictional and digital worlds of pleasure (and often pain). Im the worst in a whole different way to L. im into a lot of frowned upon things. not really the intense stuff or anything actually realistic. but my desire for… someone? something? makes me enjoy a lot of the ‘errr’ tags. usually if the one getting degraded or violated is enjoying it, I wont shy away. well to spell some it out i like noncon. loli or shota. mind break. hypnosis. bondage. drugged. feminising. and very rarely bestiality. its messed up and im ashamed of it. we are. but i cant really say that some of the tamer. more focused on the sex and pleasure then the concept stuff. doesnt get me off. the intensity. the pleasure. especially if theres tenderness or a twisted sense of care and attention i love it more. thus a lot of noncon mindbreak is my favourite.
to take us on a final tangent. or two. recently i started choking myself for pleasure. or curiosity. or pain. or escape. or all of the above. its bad. i did it before but never tried. or maybe couldnt. but recently i actually went too far and discovered that i could actually choke myself. hurt myself. mark myself. and blood choke. i just needed to use more force. im not sure where thisll lead. my current partner isnt really into this stuff or a ‘top’ or ‘dom’ so its hard for her to help or understand. i hope i find a way out. time will tell.
the other thing is some thoughts i had the other day. about how skye is so curious and open minded. how we even got into hentai and the stuff we like. its such a haze how it started. but despite most people being indoctrinated into basically instant disgust and moral high ground when talking about these taboo tags. we tried it out. found a lot of it disturbing. but also found some stories and material actually appealing to us a lot. having a dominant. confident . and skilled person (whether exploiting fictional erotic zones or literal drugs). care for someone and make their life so pleasurable. its hard to find that in vanilla settings. its something where i think we are so desperate for a deep. almost insane connection that we dont care about the reality of these stories. these scenarios. we just wish we could experience it ourselves. to be the one forced into pleasure. id say fir the record that alot of the loli and shota stuff we read we focus more on the forced pleasure rather than the childlike elements. if anything its the desire to be the child. to be so alluring and vulnerable. if that helps… i suspect it doesnt ʅ（-_-）ʃ
another 2 tangents came to mind xd
so i mentioned my current partner isnt very dom energy. and despite how much i love and care for them (i suspect they are a favourite person to us) i feel unfulfilled a lot of the time. its obvious we aren’t compatible in a lot of ways. interests etc. but she has stayed with me despite knowing all of the above and i am forever grateful. indebted. and in love with her for it. but i still desire to have someone who would push me down. who knows how to do so. who can pick up on my desires without much explaining and teaching and hand holding. and obvs who also cares and is patient and understanding and knows when to not be the one in control. difficult maybe. but i still long for it.
finally i wanted to mention pronouns which is something that i thougbt about today. i think L uses they cause theyre a child and ace so gender isnt really a thing. theyre interested in girlish behaviour. being called cute and so on. but also boyish stuff like play fighting. being active and so on. i know. really feminist stereotypes there but welp this be the gendered world we live in. X is a she. but they identify as demigirl. it isnt to disenfranchise themselves or anything. but they definitely are missing some if the qualities of cis or binary trans women. chiefly is the whole girl dick thing. being comfortable with it. but theres also probably something else going on. could be experience. not being harrased etc. could be the lack of conditioning and attitude re: girly things like ponies and barbie and nails and makeup. and not in the like be empowered do what you like and find enjoyable way. but the like its natural and i do what i wanna do question nothing and if this is real joy or feeling good fir achieving ‘standards’ way. anyway she pronouns work but they use she/they just incase to send a message and cause they dont mind. and me? well im your bitch so you tell me xd. but really. when ive been fronting recently its as the submissive fem object there to be fucked and controlled so idk. or ive been despairing and hurting myself or distracting us with youtube and shit or trying to die or experience death (without dying… idk dont ask). probs fem pronouns and gender identity. but we def have something or someone in our head whos still a little masc so its hard to tell.
anyway rhanks for reading you weirdo.
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