poison
i dont know if ive mentioned before how i started choking myself. not the painful kind where you cant breath but the one that can be gentle and kind.
its called a blood choke but idk if thats the technical term. you aim for the artery to your brain. theres meant to be this little Y junction where they meet and you press on that to restrict or cut off flow.
i thought it was a suicidal act. i think sometimes it is. but i realise its an escape. a desirable sensation. to want to want to die. to disappear. and its just worse when i have someone i love. someone with me physically.
so what happens when i do it without anyone. when the person i live is across and ocean. i feel perhaps unlike the other kind that is some complex and twisted form of self harm. some outward display of emotions and thoughts. this kind is more dangerous. more fuelled by my own thoughts than influenced by the emotions incited by others. more suicidal. more escapism. not the focus on something else. but the focus on something. to eat back at the emptiness and meaningless thoughts swimming through my head at night. in the morning. in the quiet parts of a day.
im still here. but i hurt myself nonetheless. and i count the days i feel alone. abandoned. afraid.