regrets
I have this model. a life philosophy really. about living without regrets. rather than imagining our life time wise as a line or branching paths. i see a forest of thorny bushes. and every so often no matter how bruised. cut. and beaten one is. we reach the top of a hill and escape the bramble. a place clear of everything. filled with relief where one can look back at where they’ve been and where they’re going. and its at the top of this hill that i always think i have no regrets. because every path. every decision. every thorn and bush is what led me to this hill. with something beautiful. or worthwhile. that i wouldn’t want any other hill anyway.
so in that context i feel like i’m at a cliffside. that i’ve started climbing a mountain. that all the hills before never gave the cliff enough height. but now it does. and i have a choice to jump or not. to escape this wicked climb or not.
marriage is such a precious thing for me. even before knowing about bpd. as young as 12 if not even 8 years old i can remember wanting to get married as soon as possible. somehow i knew that was 18. as the years got closer though. marriage was not really on my mind. i was enjoying life. i had people in my life i cherished and loved. i never thought about marriage specifically. but i do think a kind of endless yearning and desire for an eternal promise existed.
My partner. not shima or shin. knows this. at least i think they know this. and yet they dont seem to have realised how hurtful it was to suggest that we might not ever marry. that i take it too lightly and dont think about how they feel about it. that we cant just marry anywhere. that it’s important to be able to bring me home and introduce me proudly rather than just as a friend.
but if that was the case i wish shed have told me sooner. before i was alone. before this had continued. before i went to her home. before i went to her fathers grave. before i knew what bpd was. before she went away again.
i dont really care about marriage. id probably be even happier with our own definition. our own eternal promise. its the promise that matters. the eternity marriage symbolises.
just like how shima and shim promise to take me away. promise stronger than marriage. something only they may give. probably.